Today I turned 39.
I had a nice lunch with the people from work. I ate more than my share of the dessert.
I went to the gym and tried very hard not to be 39 by staying longer than usual.
I took a nice, hot bath and drank a glass of wine.
Then I got a call from Mr. Blonde Curls to wish me a happy day. Somewhere in the middle of his lecture about how not to feel down, about how to be a good parent, about how to let God handle things... I lost my ever-loving mind and yelled my head off. Pounded my fist into my bed and yelled into the phone, rose up onto my knees and I think I turned reddish-purple. I tore at the sheets and gritted my teeth and seethed. I asked severeal rhetorical questions that really didn't beg an answer. I was yelling at him for nothing, for everything. I was screaming because I can. And when I finally finished, I cried. Spent. I listened, then, because I was pretty sure he should have hung up. He was still there so I apologized for yelling at him. He said, "you weren't yelling at me." Oh, but I was. But not for any of that. I was yelling at him because we're friends. Friends.
Today was my birthday and I indulged myself.
4 comments:
Happy Belated Birthday, my friend.
Sometimes we just have to let it out, right? I mean, life is frustrating at times.
I've been wondering lately...and, yes, this could have something to do with psychosis brought on by a Kafka quote. If so, that's okay, too.
The thing I have been wondering is what do I truly need from my Mr. Blonde Curls. In order to examine this I've gone thinking outside the normal social realms...what was taught to me about love and marriage, what I perceived these to be.
So maybe I have this 'friend' who excites me, who I can smell in an Astrodome, who emotionally supports me, who is patient with me and I compare it to the relationship that was supposed to be socially acceptable.
Money? I don't need a man for that.
Security? There is no such thing.
Control? It only gets in my way.
When I consider all that I have and what a gift it all is I can't help but smile.
Way to indulge yourself, Maleah. I'm glad he was there for you.
Happy Birthday, my dear.
Birthdays, in my history at least, are known for their heightened energy fields that can go either way. Whether or not it's comfortable, look at all the passion you released on your birthday! And you sure as hell are not stuck silent and stiff, controlled by expectations or propriety. Seems to me you're starting your new year with a christening of fire and life. And now you can just fine tune that.
I think you're lovely. Many blessings of radiant joy and fulfillment for you this year.
~Dawn
Susan, What was I taught about love and marriage? Not much really. My parents divorced and remarried. It is all just a blur when I even try and remember... Mr. BC (gee, that's shorter and cute), is so intertwined with my past. Right back to the very beginnings of discovering how a heart races to hold hands. There is something I feel I'll never reach in him, it's a challenge. Gosh I love a challenge. There is something he touches in me every time he looks at me. I love to make him look at me, because I see in his eyes that it gets to him to look at me. At least there is that. It's not lust. In my mind, I find some place in him that he doesn't have capacity for, that he doesn't have cathedral for. He'd like to worship there, but he doesn't have faith. That's just how I see it - when he looks at me. As for me, yeah, I love every minute with him and curse some without. Today we had lunch together and I could hardly eat for looking at him. Damn. Every line in his face every light hair on his head... the way he folds his hands the way he reaches out to touch me. Maybe you understand. I hardly do.
Dawn, Man you hit something. I have been stuck silent and stiff for a long time, for too many birthdays. This may be a start of something. I can look at it that way and I appreciate the fresh perspective. It may not have been pretty, but I've been through two births, and those weren't exactly quiet or "pretty," but they were real and full of energy and they brought forth life in all it's crying, gasping, reaching newness. Maybe I'll be born into something new this year...
I'm aiming to be a sun. I'd like some light, warmth, and gravity.
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