I drove a total seven hours to get there and it should only take five. Much of it in rain so hard I could barely see the tail lights in front of me. I took one wrong turn on a drive I could do blindfolded any other day, and I only took that turn because I was so rattled by a phone call. And I knew the phone call would come. One day. The phone call about how he didn't love me "that way." Just not that day, just not in the pouring rain with two little girls who kept crossing the center line of the backseat and whining and fighting and asking if the rain would stop and asking if we were there yet. And so whether my tears or the rain blurred the road made no difference. The noise from the backseat and the back of my head was a tug-of-war between reality and the fictional dialogue I should have had... a mix of all the stuff I wish I'd said to him interspersed with pleas to "get along, girls, we'll be there soon."
Even after we drove up the drive, even after I saw my dad come down those steps in the blue glow of my headlights, even after we fell out of the car and into our pajamas and into the bed... all of us into one bed, me and the girls, I couldn't sleep. I lay there under my Daddy's roof listening to the rain and thinking. About lots of things. Mostly about all the things that have gone wrong lately. I wonder if I will ever be in a decent relationship. I wonder as I lay there if I will ever get it right. I wonder if I have ever done anything right. The tears rolled quietly from the corners of my eyes and into my hair and onto my pillow. It is raining outside, and down my face, and in my head.
I am back in my own house tonight. I am looking at the pictures I made. There they are, standing at the edge of a Louisiana watermelon patch, bathed in the setting sun, two things I've done right. I realize I am in a good relationship: I'm a mom. The tears roll down my face again. But this time, it's good.
6 comments:
Wow.
They are exquisite, Maleah. Beautiful, smiling girls.
I have felt what you feel. I promise I have. I've heard those words from someone like him. And sometimes it feels like I can't see for the rain and the tears. Then, like you, I look around me and see past the hurt into the incredible beauty around me. And I know it's going to be okay. But the only way I recognized that was from having a moment of thinking it wasn't.
You're right. It's good. It's whatever we make it, and I figure we're gonna make it good.
Thanks for knowing how I feel, Susan.
Aren't they just lovely? And they were so GOOD on the trip. Well... except for the long car ride. But I wasn't well-behaved in the car either.
I hired two assasins, by the way. One means well, but I consider her somewhat easily swayed and she hasn't done so well, so I hired the second to walk down to my house and kill me if I ever so much as hint about seeing him in person again. EVER. Death bed included. Funeral to be considered. Not because he doesn't love me, everyone loves or doesn't, but because he knew it long before now. He just needed all that I could give him. All that stuff I have inside me for him that makes him feel so loved, because I love him so. Even though he doesn't love me back. He is the most selfish person I have ever known. Man, I knew that. I made a mistake to trust him. But he's the one who'll never get it right.
I know that my mom probably felt like you. She had to raise two boys and a little girl by herself. She had to wait a long time to find what she wanted from life, but it did all happen for her, finally. You will find it, if you don't compromise your standards. Never compromise for those little girls. You know that, so I don't have to say it. Thanks, I've had too much drama in the last few days, it was a pleasure to read this.
Thank you, Eric. You either have a perceptive soul or read keenly to know that I compromised plenty. I gotta watch that. I deserve better. Eyes open. May your dramas be good from here on out.
-M
Yes, beautiful. And there are many stories, and the right set-ups for certain ones at certain times. Lately I've been thinking about how to not be offended when life does what it does; I mean maybe certain relationships have their purpose and they only suck when I want them to be something else.
So it sounds like a great idea to stay away from him, far away. Things just hurt when they draw out.
You'll be and you are wonderful. You're feeling your life and telling your story.
~Dawn
We all have compromised, it's universal. But, yes, the nature of your writing talks of learning and growing. It's a great thing to read when people aren't just giving a report, but they're telling a story that demonstrates growth of their spirit and their hopes and how those change.
take care
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