Hello Again. He says. Neil Diamond he says. Cheesy, I think, but I smile anyway. I hear him smoke though he had quit. And he was so proud.
It hits me that I have spent so much time waiting for this. I have anticipated the day when his voice wouldn't reach into the center of me. I talk. I have so many funny things to tell him. I laugh. I listen. Finally he says he must get some sleep. I hang up and realize. Nothing inside me aches. For the first time in how many talks with him, I'm not in tears or on a rant. Not because I didn't love him. But because I know there is nothing missing about me. No empty space. No shape inside me he should fill. I am complete. As I am.
I think quitting things you love is hard. I am so proud.
6 comments:
Excellent thing to realize about yourself.
It takes a long time for many of us--huys included--to realize that the answer to making a whole human being isn't adding another person to the equation. One needs to be whole and feel whole, and it is never somebody else that completes that. That isn't really love. That's co-dependency. I've been there done it and glad to get the issues out of my way when I was sixteen, the whole notion of telling my first love "you complete me" feels, i don't know, embarrasing and weak, perhaps?
It wasn't a good way to be, but to my young mind, that was how one behaves when they are trying to be romantic, but are too young to know what responsibility love on a sexual level is.
"Boys are big, fat, and stupid"
--Eleanor
Let's just hope I don't pick up the habit again. I'll stop there before I write a 3,000 word essay...
You are right, "the answer to making a whole human being isn't adding another person to the equation." And no, it isn't really love. Maybe it is more of an addiction with him... maybe I loved being addicted to him.
Better get the day started! yikes!
-M
It is hard! And sneaky, it's one of the sneakiest things to tackle. You should be enormously proud of yourself, puffed up like a glowing hot air balloon, flying around on you-powah. That's pronounced POW-ah.
yup
Dawn, Except notice how sneaky I was that I mentioned my friend had quit smoking... I have this sneaky, private fear that I'll take a drag on all my insecurities any second and exhale and have a vacancy inside. And then start all over refilling the emptiness with silliness like ice cream and sunshine warm spots and daydreams. Ahhh.
-M
this is beautifully written and all I can say, is Amen. Quitting things you love is so very, very hard to do.....
And then one day you wake up and love them for something new....for being able to go on...because so often in the going, much like the coming, the welcome arms of change is what was needed after all. Wishing you peace on this journey....
I climbed over from Erics treehouse, hope you don't mind!
Singleton, Oh, I love new people coming by. It's so rare and special! Thanks! I do like what you said about change and it being welcome and needed. It is. Especially in this instance. Just today he called me completely unexpectedly while I was out with a friend, And in a different setting and such I just was tripped for a moment. I had to right myself and not analyze and just listen to what he had to say and hang up and proceed with the outing. So funny how the time and place and the comfort of what we are used to makes a difference. Not as fantastically adjusted as I had thought. But I recovered with a flourish and I learned something. Ta da!
-M
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